Shoot Me In The Face – Reviews of Iris & Athena

Iris & Athena.  Two BIG-BIG budget action shows.  They even forked out for helicopters.  You’d think that would be awesome, right?  Koreans running around in black tank tops or tailored suits carrying firearms?  Elaborately choreographed fight scenes reminiscent of kung fu movies?  Big explosions?  Improbable escapes from improbable situations?  Porcelain and plate glass breaking apart like candy?  International spies and exotic locations?

Holy Shit!

YES YES YES!

This is so cool!  This is so… wait….. wha-

Huh?

Oh.

…

Oh, my God.

My brain just dribbled out of my ears.

Oh God!

That can’t be good!  I need my brain, don’t I?

Don’t I???

You know what would have saved these shows?

NOTHING.

Nothing from this Earth, at least.

It would take an alien intervention.

The entire cast hunted down by the Preditor?  New top ten.  If someone’s chest had popped open and a creepy little monster shashayed across the table trailing blood and bile?  WIN.  Someone call the Vogans; my towel is ready.

I tried to watch IRIS.  Three times.  Never made it past episode two.  It’s painfully bad – like a hangover after a long night of binge drinking.  You find yourself praying to any higher power that you can think of, making up all kinds of lies.  “I’ll never do it again!  I’ll swear off drinking for eternity if you let me live through this!”  The premise was boring and the action was meaningless, as were the exotic locations.  Lee Byung-Hun is offensive to my eyes.  His face is weird, his waist is thinner than a Barbie doll and his acting is laughable.  Kim Tae-Hee, our female lead?  Indifferent.  Jeong Jun-Ho, the second male lead?  Eh.  The show could get better… some shows start slow, I realize.  But unless they kill off Lee Byung-Hun and replace him with a more capable and captivating actor, I don’t care.  I’m not going to touch it with a ten foot pole.

Athena.  Somehow I made it through nine episodes before my brain shut down and refused to process anymore.  Jung Woo-Sung and Cha Seung-Won are incredible actors who went down with the ship, no attempt to escape captured on film.  Soo-Ae and Lee Ji-Ah?  Pathetic.  So why did I hang on to Athena for nine hours?  Alright, alright, I was distracted by the explosions.  And…

Because of this guy.

Kim Min Jung playing the small time crook who’s dragged into the spy world against his will.  He was the only believeable character in the entire show.  THE ONLY ONE.

Iris is the girl with a sexy picture on an online dating site.  You go in with high expectations.  Then you discover she collects clowns and gives most of her money and time to the Church of Scientology.  Athena is her big sister.  She thinks those grumpy cat memes are hysterical and keeps forwarding them to your phone all day, followed by newly invented textspeak abbreviations that translate into something like “I think my head exploded from watching Iris but I don’t feel any different!  Is that weird?”

Save yourselves, humans.